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  British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread 
 
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angryhippy Mar 29, 2004, 07:12pm EST Reply - Quote - Report Abuse
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I'll start

At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous.
She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses...."


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ray Stephens Mar 29, 2004, 07:17pm EST Reply - Quote - Report Abuse
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>> Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread
LOL, now that is one funny joke!

Carter Sudeith Mar 29, 2004, 07:32pm EST Reply - Quote - Report Abuse
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>> Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread
Nice.
This guy goes to the doctor and when the doctor looks at him he sees that the guy has an apple on top of his head, a banana in his ear, and a cucumber up his nose. The patient explains how he feels and says "What's wrong?" The doctor says "You're not eating right." (not a British-Americans joke but it is from Britain).
Here's a British joke (toward their tastes in food):
A guy goes into a nice restaurant and orders soup. When he gets it, he yells "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!". The waiter says "Shhhh, not so loud or everyone will want one!"

Guy-Girl joke:
An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties (a Scots word for potatoes). An American farmer looked over the fence and said "In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!" The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman. "Man," scoffed the Scot, "hiv ye nae ambeetion (Have you no ambition)?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"



Michael A. Mar 29, 2004, 07:46pm EST Reply - Quote - Report Abuse
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>> Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread
That's great guys, good one Payton....Carter, the one about the Scots and their tickets is great. Where did you get those?

Didn't want to bash on anyone person I'm posting this whole URL.
http://lightbulbjokes.com/nationalities.html

Michael A.
Website: http://itnode.net
Carter Sudeith Mar 29, 2004, 08:12pm EST Reply - Quote - Report Abuse
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>> Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread
I've heard them many times, like in Albany at TGI Fridays this funny old guy was telling me jokes. I had forgotten parts so I looked on the internet right now and plagiarized them :). Search the exact text on those, they might pop up.

angryhippy Mar 29, 2004, 10:59pm EST Reply - Quote - Report Abuse
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>> Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread
A thrifty Scot joke.
A seargent in the Scottish Dragoons walks into the chemists (pharmacy) and says to the pharmacist, "I've got a rubber with a wee hole in it. How much to fix it and how much to replace it?" The chemist does some quick calculations and gives the Seargent the prices. The Seargent says "let me think about it?" The next day the Seargent comes in and says "I've talked it over with me troops and we've decided to fix it."

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angryhippy Mar 29, 2004, 11:08pm EST Reply - Quote - Report Abuse
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>> Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread
An Irish one

Two Irishmen in London looking for work are strolling down Oxford Street.

Suddenly, Paddy turns to his pal and says: "Michael, will you look at that shop over there, I thought London was supposed to be expensive, but that shop is as cheap as chips!"

You're right, Paddy, so you are. I can't believe it. Suits £10, Shirts £4, Trousers £5, I think that we should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin so we would."

"Michael that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure you'd have to pay taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't."

"Paddy, I've got an idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish. No he won't."

"OK Michael", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English."

So the two visitors go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his best Warren Mitchell impression; "Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle 'un Flutes', 20 'Dickie Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind I'll be paying with the 380 'Pictures of the Queen' in me 'Sky Rocket'."

The owner smiles, takes a look at Michael as well, then says to Paddy "You're Irish aren't you?"

Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh bejabbers, if that ain't me best English accent ? How in God's name did you know we were Irish?"

The shopkeeper replies, "This is a Dry Cleaners".


Get Hippied out!
http://www.angryhippy.net
Me at work: http://tinyurl.com/3nvncb3
My rig! A Blah blah.With a blah blah! SWEET! http://tinyurl.com/4yujmff
Da Beast! http://tinyurl.com/3sapr2b
i5 3570K 4.6GHz http://snipurl.com/26r3cot
Win7-8 Pro 64bit
angryhippy Mar 29, 2004, 11:13pm EST Reply - Quote - Report Abuse
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>> Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus.

"He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50.00 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.

Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.00.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Louis Armstrong. The guy pays up his $50.00.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He puts them down and the octopus fumbles with them for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.

"Ha Ha!" the Scot says. "Ye canny plae it, can ye?"

The octopus looks up at him and says..."Play it??? I'm going to f##k it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off".


Get Hippied out!
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Me at work: http://tinyurl.com/3nvncb3
My rig! A Blah blah.With a blah blah! SWEET! http://tinyurl.com/4yujmff
Da Beast! http://tinyurl.com/3sapr2b
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Win7-8 Pro 64bit
porkchop Mar 29, 2004, 11:17pm EST Reply - Quote - Report Abuse
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>> Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread
a man and his wife go to a livestock fair one day to look at all the different animals on show
they make their way to where the breeding bulls are are being shown
on the front of each stall there is a writeup on each animal explaining their atributes
the wife goes over to the first stall and reads the note and then says to the husband
"it says here that this bull has mated 12 times this year,you could learn something from him"
she makes her way over to the next stall and reads"this bull has mated 52 times this year,thats
once a week and you could also learn a thing or two from him"
she makes her way to the last stall and reads in disbelief"oh my god it says that this bull has mated 365
times this year-wow!thats once a day.you would definitely learn from him"
the husband had finaly heard enough and says to the wife "look on the paper to to see if that was
with the same cow everytime"


asus a7n8x-e
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1gb hynix pc3200

Carter Sudeith Mar 30, 2004, 12:21am EST Reply - Quote - Report Abuse
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>> Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread
These are great!

angryhippy Mar 30, 2004, 02:05am EST Reply - Quote - Report Abuse
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Edited: Mar 30, 2004, 03:05am EST

 
>> Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread
Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of Texas iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal! That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.
"Just think," he said, "when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!" Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal. That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."


Get Hippied out!
http://www.angryhippy.net
Me at work: http://tinyurl.com/3nvncb3
My rig! A Blah blah.With a blah blah! SWEET! http://tinyurl.com/4yujmff
Da Beast! http://tinyurl.com/3sapr2b
i5 3570K 4.6GHz http://snipurl.com/26r3cot
Win7-8 Pro 64bit
Bungle Mar 30, 2004, 04:37am EST Reply - Quote - Report Abuse
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>> Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread
Why is a brides wedding dress white?.... so she'll fit in with all the other appliances.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why does it suck to be and egg?

1. you only get laid once
2. the only woman that ever sits on your face is your mom
3. it takes you 3 minutes to get hard
4 you cum in a box with 11 others

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3 men go out to a bar and get drunk run out of money and leave. They meet up the next day the first guy says "man I was so drunk last night that I went home and blew chunks all night long", the second man says "oh yeah, you had it easy last night i was so drunk that when i was driving home i hit some lady and now she's going to sue me for everything i own" the third man says "you both had it easy last night i was so drunk that i tried to cook some food and burnt my house down now i have nothing left", the 1st guy comes back and says "no, no, no you guys don't understand... chunks is my dog!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

did you ever hear about the polish wolf? he chewed 3 legs off and was still caught in the trap!!

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Drizzit Mar 30, 2004, 09:39am EST Reply - Quote - Report Abuse
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>> Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread
Only in America......

do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin
meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

==========================================================
EVER WONDER ....Why

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Carter Sudeith Mar 30, 2004, 09:50am EST Reply - Quote - Report Abuse
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>> Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread
About the drive-up ATM, they didn't want to have to buy ANOTHER ATM without braile, that would be just dumb. Why order a whole different machine just so it doesn't have braile? It's not going to hurt to have it.

The sterilized needle for the lethal injection - doctors are required by US law to sterilize ANYTHING that enters the patient. If they do not, they lose their doctor's license. Since the convict is just another patient, they are required to use sanitary and sterilized needles!

Carter Sudeith Mar 30, 2004, 09:54am EST Reply - Quote - Report Abuse
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>> Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread
And the black box on airplanes - the black box is heavy. Very heavy. That box alone can weigh some 70 pounds. If they made the plane out of it, it wouldn't fly no matter what kind of engine you strapped on.

Jim B..... Mar 30, 2004, 01:17pm EST Reply - Quote - Report Abuse
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>> Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread
All brilliant

No joke true fact
Woman went into our butchers shop, asked for the best piece of meat he had, so he whipped it out and slapped it on the counter, and said will this do ye

I do believe he had a donkey lol

-----------------------------------------------------
S.I.D.E
angryhippy Mar 30, 2004, 01:48pm EST Reply - Quote - Report Abuse
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>> Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the old man and asks his age.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"Ninety!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"I HAVE?," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"


Get Hippied out!
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Da Beast! http://tinyurl.com/3sapr2b
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Jim B..... Mar 30, 2004, 03:29pm EST Reply - Quote - Report Abuse
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>> Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread
hehehehehehehe n1, I still can't remember


Tv licence chap called at our door asked to see our Tv Licence, gave him the one we had, he said this is last years Licence, I said I know Iím watching last years programs.

-----------------------------------------------------
S.I.D.E
Kevin Toal Mar 30, 2004, 03:59pm EST Reply - Quote - Report Abuse
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>> Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread

Italian guy says - Whaen i finish a making love to a-my girlfriend, i go down and tickle the back of her knees, she floats six inches above a-da bed in ecstacy.

French guy says - Zat is nothing, when i finish with ze girl, ah kiss her all the way down her body and zen lick the soles of her feet, she float 12 inches bove ze bed in ecstacy.

Irishman says- Dats nuttin. When i'm finished riding me burd, i get out of bed, wipe me knob on the curtain, she f*ckin hits the roof.!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little red riding hood was skipping through the forest on the way to here granmother's house.

Next thing the big bad wolf jumps out in front of her.

Wolf - 'ello liddle red ridin' 'oohd, how's about a suck of your t**s'?

'No' said little red riding hood...'Eat me like the f*cking book says'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

KT.

angryhippy Mar 30, 2004, 05:13pm EST Reply - Quote - Report Abuse
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>> Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread
OK guys remember there are a lot of youngsters reading this and we want to keep it moderately clean, so Sander doesn't have to shut it down. My original intent (and I have to admit I have strayed myself) Was to get a comparison of other countries humor. I hear English jokes and Italian and Irish. What I wanted was to get some other views. I'm sure there are jokes told in other countries about americans that can allow us a chance to see how people view us.

Get Hippied out!
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Me at work: http://tinyurl.com/3nvncb3
My rig! A Blah blah.With a blah blah! SWEET! http://tinyurl.com/4yujmff
Da Beast! http://tinyurl.com/3sapr2b
i5 3570K 4.6GHz http://snipurl.com/26r3cot
Win7-8 Pro 64bit
Carter Sudeith Mar 30, 2004, 07:47pm EST Reply - Quote - Report Abuse
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>> Re: British Jokes - American Jokes..... The Joke Thread
Good point. I once made love to a stick of celery.


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