A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

A guy goes into a bar and their is a horse and a big jar of money behind the bar, the guy says whats they money in the jar for and why is there a horse in here, the barman says its a competition, you pay £10 for 1 go, the guy says what do I do, the barman replys you pay your £10 and you then have 5 minutes to make the horse laugh, at this point a someone in the bar shouts out hundreds have tryed its impossible the damn thing just refuses to laugh, the guy says gimme a go, so he pays his £10 and takes the horse into the toilet, a few moments later the guy and horse come out, the horse can hardly stand with laughter, the barman says how did you do that, the guy just winks and says its a secret,

Next week the guy goes into the bar, theres another jar and the horse is sitting there again, the guy says another competition, the barman says yeah but this time you gotta make the thing cry, the guys says no problem gimmie a go, the barman smuggly says even more people have tryed to make it cry you got no chance, thje guy then takes the horse into the toilet, a few moments later the horse and the guy come out the horse is crying, the barman says you gotta tell me what do you do

the guys says OK I tell ya, he says last week I told him my manhood was bigger, this week I took him in and proved it.

ROTFLMAO @ SiR AhMaD.

Havn't heard that one before.

There was this man that was an accountant for the mob. He happened to be deaf and mute. While working for the mob he collected over 500,000 dollars by stealing from the books.
The mob boss finds out about this and sends two hitmen to his house. Since the accountant was deaf and mute his brother translated what his brother said.
Hitman: where is the money?
Accountant signs he does not know
Brother: he said he does not know
Hitman: tell us where the money is or we will kill your wife and kids, burn down your house, and castrate you!
Accountant signs fast and furiously that the money is in a safe that is hidden in the floorboard of his closet and gives the combination.
Hitman: what did he say?
Brother: you don't have the balls!

three draculas have argument about whos the greatest dracula among them.

dracula 1 gets first turn to show off his ability. then he flies in a lightning speed. five minutes later, he's back with blood all over his mouth.

dracula 1: do you guys see the village over there?
dracula 2&3 : yes, yes
dracula 1: hahaha... its clean!
dracula 2: Ah... thats nothing...

woossh...suddenly dracula 2 disappears. three minutes later, he's back with blood all over his mouth.

dracula 2: do you guys see the city over there?
dracula 1&3: yes, yes
dracula 2: it is now history! hahahaha!
dracula 3: Heck! thats nothing!

just like those two, dracula 3 suddenly disappears. five seconds later, he's back with blood all over his face.

dracula 1&2: WOOOWW...awesome!! how could you do that!!
dracula 3 : do you guys see that huge tree over there?
dracula 1&2: yes, yes, we see it!
dracula 3 : s**t...i didnt.

Q. How did the blond break her arm raking leaves?



















































A. She fell out the tree.

LOL!

Internet Addicts

* You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

* You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

* Your start introducing yourself as "Jon at I-I-Net dot com"

* Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

* All of your friends have an @ in their name.

* You can't call your mother..... she doesn't have a modem.

* Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

* You laugh at people with 56k modems.

* You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

* You tell the cab driver you live at: http://23.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

* Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

* You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.

* You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

* You turn on your computer and turn off your spouse.

* Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage..... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

* You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

* You say "Oh Em Gee" out loud.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why trick or treat is better than sex


10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. Its OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you ARE someone else.

5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning.

AND....

1. You can do the whole neighborhood!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Medical Developments For Men
BEYOND VIAGRA:
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer the manufacture, is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

DIRECTRA:
A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA:
Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA:
Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."

COMPLIMENTRA:
In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA:
Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA:
Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on former US President.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA:
This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA:
This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA:
This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

LIAGRA:
This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

Nice Sean. LOL!

No, this isn't a Labatt Blue joke, but it does involve bears and beer...

A bear walks into a bar and sits down and orders a beer. The local female bar hopper strides over and sits down and begins telling the bear her life story. He gets very irritated and leaves, for obvious reasons.

The next week, he goes to a different bar and hopes to get some peace and quiet, and orders a beer. The same lady comes up to him and begins talking to him. Again, he leaves because of her motor mouth.

Week three and he is at yet another bar. That SAME lady comes up and begins blabbing on. The bear finally gives up and eats the lady. About 5 minutes later, he slumps down and gets very mellow and depressed.

"Bar tender, what's going on?"
"That was a bar- bitch-you-ate."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sincerely,
Lord Coldfire

an arabian was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
your name pls. " abdul aziz "
sex? " six times a week!! "
no, no, I mean male or female! "
doesn't matters, sometimes even camel!!! "
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

sex is like a restaurant.
sometimes u get full satisfactory service,
and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service "
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

what makes a happy man?
daughter on the cover of cosmo.
son on the cover of sports illustrated
mistress on the cover of playboy
and .... wife on the cover of " missing persons "
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
to separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

teacher: what do you want to become?
Johnny: doctor !!
teacher: why?
Johnny: coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

woman: complaining to dentist it's so painful, I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth removed.
dentist: "make up your mind soon, I ' ll adjust the chair accordingly".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN. the engraver shortened it to " RETURNED UNOPENED "
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
on their first night both were crying. why???
coz she didn ' t know anything, and he had forgotten everything

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nice Payton. Thats funny! LOL

Two women were walking down the street. A blond and a brunette. The Brunette looks across the street and sees her boyfriend buying flowers. "Oh no. My boyfriend is buying roses for me again." The blond says "What's wrong with that? I think it's sweet!" "Ya," says the brunette, "but now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air." And the blond says "Why? don't you have a vase?"

Bush and Osama Bin-Laden decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves . They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund.

Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog.

Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund --- but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a wiener dog."

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping
his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows,
going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring
calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my
dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about
women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and
we'd decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was my finance's younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years old, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down near me and I enjoyed many pleasant views of her underwear. It had to be deliberate... I didn't notice her doing this near anyone else.

One day the sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me - just before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door, stepped out of the house, and began walking directly toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!"


So, the moral of the story is...
















Always keep your condoms in your car.

LMAO! Holy crap...you better hope they don't read this tread.

hey guys i found this great service for recieving daily jokes. they send you good jokes

although its not free but its worth trying, it is i think .72/day. to start this service you

just have to sms JOY to 23333 and the subscription starts. more details at leapwave.com

Some great jokes you fellows have got

But my pal said to me.....My wife is a really dirty sod...everytime I go for a p**s in the sink....it's full of dirty plates and pots

Bye the way have you heard this one,,,very subtle .
Did you hear about the Architect...who had his house made backwards...so that he could watch Television???

Regards to all
Vic Uk

Is there just me that doesnt get that architect joke, some one told me it ages ago and it boggled me then.

David.